A Day-Date With A Celebrity Sex Tape
Another day, another salacious celebrity scandal tailor made for viral viewing. A link clicked on an innocuous tweet leads to wonderful afternoon entertainment. Excessive buffering is a hurdle, but we wait it out. Either this site is a piece of shit or so many people are watching this video it’s loading slow as fuck. Me and my girl are sat around, taking some valuable rest, and so it seems that this video is our easy entertainment. We’re going to watch Tulisa from N-Dubz suck someone off.
1st minute – She’s mainly licking it. This goes on for a while. She’s sort of giving the impression that it isn’t the worst thing she’s tasted. Nobody likes a wincer. We confirm it’s who the title says it is. The video is watermarked with ‘nottulisa.com’. They’re not fooling anyone. She’s the most famous street skank in the country. Her tits look great. She looks exactly like porn. You absolutely forget how much of a terrible person she is.
On the telescreen some guy makes some awful sunblushed tomato risotto. He’s not worthy of his Michelin star. He can fuck right off.
2nd minute – My girl’s biggest concern is who owns this impressive cock. Tulisa is now chomping it like a chocolate Mini Milk. Picture a child getting her first ice lolly and sucking it down with delight. Lots of eye contact. With the camera.
Mild Mushrooms: a boring mushroom-off ensues. Mistreated morrells versus charmless chestnuts. People are getting paid loads to make boring as fucking snacks on the telly. I make better in my own kitchen. These people are teaching me nothing, I’m not sure this is entertaining at all. More blowjob?
Nah, still buffering, we’ll watch this couple Escape from Rugby to the Country of Cornwall. They may be called Richard and Judy. That’d be funny. Oh wait, they are boring as fuck. Some speccy wanker and his mother/lover.
3rd minute – Change of camera shot – we’re getting up close in this popster’s grill and really confirming that the face that ‘entertains’ millions on a Saturday night is staring down the barrel of an excessive dick.
These boring fuckers are still wandering around houses in the countryside but they barely have enough imagination between them to like anything. Turns out they’re called Richard and Julie or something. This show has no redeeming features.
4th minute – she really does love spitting on cock. I mean, lubrication is sort of essential, but noisy spitting isn’t always good. I say this because sometimes you’re feeling that extra bit nasty, those times you really DESIRE the spit. Either way, she does a lot of licking, which is in decent areas but we need more here. We’ve seen too much, so we always want more.
Ok, so we’ve got Grand Designs on. Or at least that’s what ON. I don’t recall ever selecting anything to watch at all today, sometimes the TV is just on, buzzing away with nonsense and overcooked narrative. We learn a little bit about damp-proofing a house that’s built into a hill. Seems like a fucking stupid idea. But these people have earned their money, so let’s watch them make a hobbit hole out of out it. I’d spend it all on snacks and adventures and weed.
5th minute – some furious sucking makes me think that he’s come. In her mouth. Obviously this is a pretty common want for the typical man, for comfort reasons as much as reasons of filth. However, in a pornographic sense, the mouth-come-swallow scenario isn’t very visual. He’s not come, she’s still working away. The eye contact with the camera has reduced. Maybe she’s started to feel odd about the camera. Or more desirous of dick; who’s to know, human emotions are complex and equally frivolous.
A quick walk around the finished house. It has corners that are dark as fuck. Because it’s built into a hill. Maybe they never want their children to sleep. Maybe they don’t have any children. Maybe they murdered them because it’s environmentally friendly. Reduce your carbon footprint, kill your kids, never feel guilty about flying on EasyJet ever again.
6th minute – Tulisa pops a tit out. Just one, out of her bra and tracksuit top; that’s a great boob. He’s probably going to jizz on it. It seems like the right thing to do. My girl and I don’t say anything but we really want the jizz-tit ending. It’s a compliment more than anything. There isn’t long left.
Aussie Masterchef has happened. They’re making exciting seafood. I’m not sure I care but we watch a few people present delicious snacks to a panel of other people. The panel eat and discuss. There’s criticism and hyperbole and sweat and greed on display. It’s all fearsomely REAL.
End – The sucks and licks continue, the pace is stepped up. He’s going to come. Did he come? He came. It’s a little tame. I think there’s semen on her knuckles. This would be better in HD. Tulisa pulls away and ends the piece with a wink and a smile to camera. There are no happy endings. We feel a sense of sadness and disappointment. We’ve waited and waited, been toyed with physically and emotionally, only to be let down. I’m not sure when I gave up on the dream that he’d jizz on her face, maybe I never even lived in that hope. Perhaps I was certain that this isn’t real porn, it’s just imitation porn for kids.
Still, watching this woman suck some huge dick, however uninspiring, is more interesting than watching bland dickheads look at country homes on a laptop; endlessly more entertaining than learning how to build a house in a hill; infinitely more erotic than food porn. Of course, we watched it all. We watched 6 minutes in well over 60 minutes. We just had to see the head. Just to see how bad the whole thing is.
“When does X Factor start again? Do people still watch that?”
By C Ballinger and PJ Mercer.